Day 383: braindump

personal

stream of consciousness let’s gooooooo

  • actually got some work done today which is shocking given how much i cycled between opening notion to write in my journal, opening gmail to reply to emails, opening VS code to work on an issue, and then making absolutely zero progress on any of those things for like 6 hours

  • my focus muscles have atrophied from nonstop socializing for the past two months, and now i feel like i’m struggling to stand on two feet whereas before i was doing one-handed handstands while reciting the lord’s prayer

  • i’ve been thinking of processing emotions as analogous to digesting food. emotional metabolism is how well you’re able to go through difficult experiences and simply let them go (pooping) instead of holding onto them and causing problems (constipation)

    • had little waves of sadness after the breakup yesterday but they’re becoming weaker and less frequent. going from “everything is fine” to “surprise i’m sad” back and forth was interesting
    • when the relationship went exclusive, i think my brain flipped a switch and i got wrapped up in the idea of what the relationship could become rather than what the relationship actually was
    • i finally read attached a little while back after hearing about it many times from friends (thanks alice! thanks michelle!) and this relationship was surprising b/c i’ve typically been either secure or avoidant but in this one i felt anxious
    • having an anxious attachment style is definitely THE WORST because your rational mind tells you one thing but your body is overrun by these emotional impulses that keep you up at night
    • i miss sleeping well

  • at what point does it become bizarre to do a 2020 review given that it’s almost february

    • i’m having a really hard time writing a 2020 review
    • i did one that was chronological using my monthly reviews but it didn’t feel right because it was so work-focused and there are other things i care about than being an Indie Maker
    • so i wanted to do them by life areas or themes but it always feels like a big undertaking so i end up not working on it
    • gotta remember that done is better than perfect
    • man there are so many things now that i planned to write that i never got around to because i kept putting it off

  • i wonder if i’ll ever get tired of eating oatmeal + peanut butter

    • it is truly a god-tier food
    • cheap, fast, delicious, nutritious
    • ate it every morning during my 3-month meditation retreat and loved it every time
    • bought oatmeal and peanut butter here in taiwan despite it being much more expensive (which makes it less compelling from the frugal perspective) but it is still yummy

  • christina bought this korean chicken noodle thing that’s ridiculously spicy and it turns out that it’s vegan because the chicken flavoring is artificial and it also tastes nothing like chicken

    • tried it and my mouth experienced indescribable agony
    • i am a bad korean and bring shame to my people
    • i saw the 2x spicy version while passing by a little korean shop today and got it for christina so i can watch her try it
    • i really like getting random gifts for people and i’m not sure why
    • i’ve been meaning to get treats for doormen at my apartment because i see them all the time and i’m sure they’d appreciate it
    • maybe it’s one of my love languages
    • i guess i should read that book too since it’s bandied about so frequently

  • i’ve spent two months here and i still don’t know any chinese

    • maybe i should learn
    • kind of tempted to enroll in an intensive course in march but maybe i should prioritize browserflow until it’s not vaporware

  • love it when i show browserflow to people for the first time and they’re blown away

    • it’s most common with programmers because they understand just how much work is required to make this silly thing work
    • am very proud
    • but at the same time i’ve been building for 2/3 of a year without any real validation
    • lmao i must have delusional levels of self-confidence

  • maybe i should do braindumps on a regular basis like i do with my weekly planning