Day 559: anger

the downside of this being public is that i can’t exactly write with detail about difficult events that occur that involve other people i know because i’m not trying to have my posts here complicate situations further by being some weird indirect channel of communication. i prefer to talk with people directly about things, but i also use writing as a way to think and feel and explore spaces where things still feel unclear

so i will write with a focus on me and my direct experience. (the better solution would probably be to have a private journal where i can write completely freely like i’ve talked about several times but i’ve already started writing this post so too late)

in a phone call that i had with a friend, i felt like i was being held solely responsible for a challenging situation that also involved someone else

…okay wow, writing in vague terms is annoying and makes this much more difficult to write about so i’m skipping all the context and going straight to…..

ANGER

i felt myself getting angry on the call and trying to defend myself. i don’t experience anger often so when i do, it’s always a good opportunity to look at things more closely.

anger gives birth to a million stories, each one a compelling narrative about how there’s some grave injustice. the stories stoke the fire of anger, because i’m RIGHT and they’re WRONG, which in turn gives birth to more stories. the cycle continues.

eventually, i notice that the source of suffering is the burning hot coal in my hand that i refuse to let go of. it hurts, but i want to keep holding onto it. if i let this go, then who will set the record straight?

another voice appears. it whispers: the path of fire won’t do it. speak your truth, then let it go. there’s no point in getting riled up about what happened back then and who was right or wrong. focus on now. how can you amend these relationships? how can you be kind now? how can you love more now? do you care more about being right or improving the relationship? drop the coal and let the wounds start to heal.

okay, i say. i will try.