Day 317: fatigue

had a pretty weird episode earlier.

after spending a few hours struggling to fix some minor but long-standing bugs with browserflow (boy, getting back into coding after not doing it for a while is hard every time), i suddenly lost all energy.

it wasn’t like “oh i’m going to take a break and come back to this” — it was more like “k”.

my stepmom asked me if i wanted her to make me something for dinner, and my internal response was simply apathy. i didn’t want to eat and everything she suggested sounded pretty unappealing. she kept saying how she could make it anyway and if i didn’t want to eat it then she and my dad could eat it together and she didn’t seemed to want to take no for an answer for some reason. instead of saying “no, i really just don’t want anything, thanks,” i just walked away.

i didn’t feel like doing anything and i felt tired, so i took a nap. i usually feel much more energized after sleeping, but not this time. i felt more drained than ever, and i didn’t know what i wanted to do. i went downstairs to find my parents cleaning up after their meal and when my dad started asking me a bunch of questions, i couldn’t muster up enough energy to answer him and just walked away. my dad and my stepmom are always asking me what i’m doing and where i’m going, and i often hear them talking amongst themselves about me, including things like telling each other when i’ve entered and left the bathroom (guess they’re bored out of their minds due to quarantine but c’mon) — i guess it’s nice that they care but at the same time it can be annoying to feel like my every move and mood is being watched. this time, there wasn’t even the prick of annoyance. i just couldn’t be bothered to care.

i wondered whether i had gotten the flu or covid or something like that and was experiencing symptoms because i hadn’t ever experienced this level of fatigue and apathy come on with such strength and speed. was i depressed? there wasn’t any kind of trigger or incident that i could think of for why i’d have this massive drop in energy.

i ended up driving around aimlessly for a while before figuring that i should probably eat something despite not feeling hungry, so i went to chipotle. after eating, i started a bit better and after about 30 minutes or so, i felt like myself again. it seems like this was due to not eating (although i didn’t feel hungry, i had eaten several hours before, and i hadn’t experienced these sorts of shifts related to not eating before so…. ???), but then again, who knows. maybe talking to someone other than my family for the first time today when interacting with the friendly employees at chipotle did the trick. or maybe just time. or something else entirely. the solution is just as much of a mystery to me as the cause.

this was a stark reminder that it’s pure luck that i’m able to get up and be a functional human being most of the time. a simple tweak in brain chemistry evidently could easily render me into an apathetic zombie that has no desire to talk to anyone or do anything. the feelings that come from experiences like this:

• gratitude

  clearly, i’m not in control in any way and that there is no “me” that can take credit for things like working hard, desire to learn, intelligence, passion, etc. it’s just a bunch of conditions coming together and for whatever reason, i happen to be in a position where it’s mostly good most of the time

• compassion

  for people who experience these sorts of difficulties regularly (and it seems to be happening to more people more frequently or at least more people seem to be talking about it), i can see how challenging it must be to do anything. it’s not a matter of trying harder — when apathy permeates every moment, it’s too exhausting to care about anything. hopefully when someone’s behavior seems puzzling, offensive, selfish, or unpleasant in any way, i can remember this and recognize that they could be going through difficulties that i’m completely unaware of