Day 111: I don't feel so good

personal

Not sure what’s happening, but I haven’t been feeling so great the last several days. Unlike my usual M.O. where I transform into a robot that churns out code, I’m having trouble staying focused. Throughout the day, I’ll have episodes where I’m in the middle of doing something, but then I’ll randomly feel tired. I end up sauntering over to my room and fall into my bed, face down, only moving when my arms fall asleep underneath me.

I don’t know what’s behind this. Some potential ideas:

  • My sleep schedule has been whack the last several nights so this could be my body’s way of telling me to get more zzz’s
  • Maybe that tick gave me Lyme disease after all
  • Allergies?
  • Depression?
  • Burnout?

This loss of energy is especially interesting given that the Hacker News launch went so well earlier this week. You’d think that I’d be totally fired up to keep the momentum going. And I am! But at the same time, there’s a part of me that just wants to become a vegetable on my bed. I’m taking naps in the middle of the day, which I usually don’t do. Maybe I’m crumbling underneath the pressure of having a lot more attention on my work? Or maybe I’m sad that the HN gravy train has come to an end, and I’m having a hard time with the uncertainty of how to proceed? Who knows.

One of the things I’m grateful to have learned from my meditation practice is to not identify with my emotions. As a result, even when I feel crummy, there’s an underlying understanding that it’s also totally okay. These experiences are like clouds in the sky: they appear, they disappear, and throughout it all, the sky that contains them doesn’t change. So, too, do experiences simply arise and pass away in awareness. Negative sensations are what they are, and I can accept them and take action without trying to deny those experiences or make them into problems.

In this case, I think it’s highly likely that this is related to not getting enough sleep. It’s hard diagnosing myself when my mind is in a cloudy state because it’s like trying to evaluate how drunk you are when you’re drunk, but I should at least fix my sleep deprivation before jumping to conclusions about some of the other potential causes.

Okay, no more staying up late to code. I’ll try to be in bed by 10pm every night and see how that goes.

oh god i really hope i don’t have lyme