Day 66: On feeling down

personal

I’ve been feeling a bit more down than usual the last several days:

  • This past weekend, I took psychedelics after a two-year hiatus and had my very first bad trip. It was the most difficult experience of my life, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’m grateful that I feel mostly normal again, but I’m sure I’m still recovering from that at some level.
  • My closest friends in the Hacker Fellowship are leaving the program early (it’s currently week 4 of 10) to go back to SF in order to fundraise before it becomes impossible due to the coronavirus, and I’m gonna miss them tons.
  • My grandpa is 88 years old and my parents are in their 60s. I woke up this morning and the reality that they might not be around for much longer (coronavirus or not) struck me more than it normally does.
  • Hide Feed marketing = 💩
  • I’ve generally felt quite happy working on things solo, but being surrounded by people working in teams makes the solo aspect feel more challenging (this was one of my concerns coming into this program)
  • I’ve felt overwhelmed at times with all the things I’d like to do (and seeing solutions similar to Intention execute really well — the good ol’ zero-sum competitor mindset rears its head again!) and random things like doing my taxes

But! There’s still so much to be grateful for:

  • I’ve regained my sanity after losing it for hours this past weekend 🙏🏽
  • I got to spend so much quality time in the last several weeks with the friends who are leaving 🙏🏽
  • There are still lots of amazing people in the program that I’m excited to spend time with 🙏🏽
  • I’m currently healthy and so is everyone in my family 🙏🏽
  • I have enough saved up where I can fail without having to worry for my basic needs 🙏🏽
  • I get to spend my time working on things I’m incredibly excited about 🙏🏽
  • I have amazing friends who regularly support me with messages and even subscribing with their hard-earned dollars 🙏🏽

There’s a Zen quote I came across when I was living in Japan, and it’s had a remarkable ability to cut through unnecessarily worry and help me see things clearly:

What, in this moment, is lacking?

When I sit still, close my eyes, and let that question sink in, I feel the quiet peace that whispers in response: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.