Day 332: Eternal Dance

Worked over 13 hours today and my brain is absolutely fried so it’s going to be another weird post.

Why do I push myself so hard? Well, it doesn’t really feel like pushing. It feels like I’m being pulled by the project and the work I’m doing. I got the dumb iframe stuff working for the most part today (there was a period of disbelief when I realized the approach I’d been taking for the past several hours wouldn’t actually work and I had to revert it all 😢 but now it’s all good, more or less. I feel like it’s entirely possible I’ll make another one of those fun “oh this isn’t going to work at all, huh” discoveries tomorrow for all the work I did today).

What am I pulled by? Part of it’s the fun of just solving problems. Coding gets me in the same way that Starcraft or Go or some other game does. It presents problems and there’s quick and concrete feedback on whether you’d solved it or not. Even though I get absolutely wrecked from time to time, coding is quite enjoyable.

But beyond the technical challenge, I think I’m drawn by the possibilities of what-could-be. Can I turn this into a successful business? Can I make this into a project used by thousands and perhaps even millions of people? It’s about asking, “Can I do this?” and the fun of undertaking the challenge.

And yet, taking a step back, none of this really matters. I mean, once you have your basic needs taken care of, everything else is just gravy. When I look back on my life, I’m not going to be thinking, “oh, I’m so glad I spent all those hours coding and boy, solving those issues with iframes was such a spectacularly great use of my limited conscious experience on this planet!”

So what does matter? People, relationships, experiences, connection, and at the same time, also nothing. We’re here for a brief moment and poof! we’re gone. I, awareness, will continue to exist through whatever forms the universe happens to take long after this particular manifestation has passed away. It’s just doing its thing, and I get to experience one blink of the eternal dance.

What a precious gift.