Day 310: family

i’m still not sure what family means to me

especially with my dad and stepmom, since they didn’t raise me and only really showed up in my life in the last few years, i don’t have a sense of what kind of relationship i’d like to have with them

it’s hard to get advice from friends about this because i don’t know anyone whose family situation is similar to mine. the words “dad”, “mom”, and “parents” mean something entirely different to them. the friends i’m close enough to talk to about this stuff didn’t have their parents live on a different continent their entire lives and then suddenly show up at their doorstep saying that they want to be a “normal” family now. as if decades of absence can somehow be erased overnight

in the past, when i felt heavy from the burden of having my dad repeatedly ask me for money, i’ve had thoughts about what it’d mean to severely limit our relationship or even cut him out of my life. that’s exactly what my brother did. but why does that feel so wrong? why does that feel different than ending a romantic relationship or a friendship? is it just societal conditioning based on evolutionary psychology and asian family values or is there more to it?

those questions still lie unanswered in my mind, but during my visit home this time, i decided to do more for my family. instead of complaining about how broken and dirty everything is at home, i’d make an effort to fix what i can.

there’s been a special joy in being able to give this way. my grandpa and i built a window screen together and it was so rewarding to be able to spend time with him in that way given how much of my desire to be handy is influenced by seeing him fix everything around the house growing up.

and then i cooked spaghetti and vegan meatballs for everyone and it was just pleasant having all of us eat dinner together given that my grandpa usually eats separately (for a long time, he and my dad were on terrible terms). today, i asked my grandpa if he would be down to eat together and he said okay. even though there was barely any conversation during the meal because my parents and my grandpa clearly don’t talk much, this felt like a step forward.

being at home still feels largely difficult, but sometimes it can be kind of nice.