Day 255: parents

i’m leaving my parents’ place a week from today. i’m going to stay in oregon for a month with my friend david and his girlfriend before heading to taiwan, assuming that the rest of my visa process goes smoothly. i’m excited!

one thing i’ve come to accept coming home this time is that i just can’t quarantine at home. it’d probably work much better if i could go to other places to work, but as it is, i’m staying in my room all day long tapping away on my keyboard and it’s just not an environment that helps me thrive.

i’m glad i came home and that i was able to help my grandpa with his health stuff. it’s felt like being at home made me even more indifferent to my dad, which is not great but i’ve had a hard time relating to him. it feels like the only time we ever have a lengthy conversation is him asking me for something — in the past, he’d sit me down like a day before i got on a place and ask for money or something, and this time, he asked me to be his financial sponsor for his green card application. the rest of our interactions involves him just saying “Daniel~” in this sing-song voice for no reason and me just ignoring it because he’s not doing it for any reason in particular.

if i look at my dad from a compassionate lens, i can believe that he maybe wants to interact and talk more but that he’s afraid of annoying me since i haven’t been very warm towards him. maybe he feels ashamed for having to ask me for help so often. or maybe he doesn’t think anything of this and i’m just ascribing feelings and motives that he doesn’t have.

honestly, i’d appreciate it if my dad would be the type to share what’s on his mind and tell me what he’s feeling. if he told me, “hey, i’d like for us to work on our relationship because it feels like things can be better”, i’d appreciate that tremendously. but that’s not my dad’s way. he’s not one to open himself up like that. my stepmom says that it’s due to all those years being a manager at the company he worked for in korea and having all of his interactions be in the context of bossing his subordinates around. since we didn’t grow up together, i can understand that he has no idea how to relate to me as a dad. even though i understand, it still irks me.

i feel like i’m being harsh on him, and there’s clearly still a lot of resentment and hardness toward him. i’d like to let it go. i’d like to forgive him. i’d like to be more tender-hearted.

but the kernel of anger and hatred protests. am i putting too much responsibility on myself? is it up to me to make all these changes? why doesn’t he do something?

there are only two emotions: love and fear. how do i choose love?