Day 243: Receiving Kindness

personal

Some acts of kindness and generosity that I’ve received over the last several days:

  • Shiva and his friends graciously accepting me at their baller Airbnb
  • Shiva buying veggie patties, tofu, and stir-fry veggies for me to eat during my stay
  • Sam offering me delicious foods throughout my stay like fancy cannoli cake from his birthday and crab wontons, both of which I sadly turned down due to them not being vegan
  • Randa letting me cook and eat her super duper firm tofu (really, it was unbelievably firm)
  • Natasja brewing magnesium-infused water to help everyone relax and stay on top of their health game
  • Shiva going on a run with me even though running on an inline in the heat is self-torture
  • Natasja and Shiva inviting me to Sam’s surprise birthday on a boat
  • Shiva asking me if I want to rock one of his Hawaiian shirts on the boat and then giving it to me later because he thought it looked good on me
  • Natasja offering snacks for me to take with me on the drive back (the mega-stuffed Oreos were tempting but I’m pretty sure I would’ve single-handedly scarfed them all down in the next few hours so I wisely did not take them)

I’ve generally had a hard time accepting kindness from others due to fear of inconveniencing others (probably stems from a people-pleasing part of my personality) and a fear of dependence. Trying to be completely independent and do everything myself, however, is not only inefficient, but stifles building deeper connections. I always feel closer to someone after experiences of giving (without expectation of reciprocity) and receiving that occurs in the friendship.

In some areas of my life, like work, I still have an extremely difficult time receiving help and even more, asking for help. Even though I know that many of my friends would be happy to help me out and that it’d build our friendship, reaching out to someone asking for help makes me feel quite uncomfortable and so I practically never do it.

This is definitely one of the pitfalls of working alone as an indie maker. It allows me to indulge that tendency and try to do everything myself rather than building relationships and learning that it’s okay to depend on others.

I’d like to learn to ask. I’d like to learn to receive.