Day 144: Running on Fumes

I was only able to sleep 3 hours last night before my mind went back into overdrive and obsessed over the project I’m working on.

It’s only been three days, and this hyper-intense leap into working on this new project is already wreaking havoc on my mental and physical health.

I intended to take a week of rest, but instead it feels like I’m greatly accelerating toward burnout. I’m speeding down a monster hill and realizing that my bike has no brakes.

This is the downside of passion — or more accurately, obsession — that sometimes fuels me. My housemate even asked if I’ve been taking caffeine, which I almost never do because a good idea is all the stimulation I need. My mind latches on and refuses to let go, and it’s most disastrous when it starts affecting my sleep because then the whole house crumbles.

I want to exercise, but my body feels too worn down to exert. I want to sleep, but my mind insists on thinking through the project.

I know this post probably sounds alarming, so to be clear, I’m okay. Yes, I’m sleep-deprived; yes, I’m eating terribly; yes, I’m not exercising and being a lard; yes, everything feels a bit hazy and cloudy because of these things. But I also know that there will be a crash, and then I’ll recover from it by resting up lots.

Even though I’m fully aware that this is unsustainable and not a good approach of working on something, I still feel the pull towards throwing more time at it. This is what I mean when working feels like a video game; it’s fun, but sometimes I get sucked in to such an extreme degree that it doesn’t seem far from a drug-fueled binge.

I’m glad I’m excited about the stuff I’m working on, but I also really want to learn to let it go at times so that I can lead a balanced life instead of being an exhausted worker bee.