Day 122: Surrender

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

Romans 7:15-20 (I’m not religious, but I was a fervent Christian in my youth and this passage came to mind today)

My friend Shiva once remarked that Road to Ramen was a chronicle of a man’s descent due to lack of sleep, but now, we have a new sin: allergies.

I look at my computer, and I think, “Okay, it’s time to finally do that thing you’ve been telling yourself to do for the past week.” I even open my terminal.

But as if I were George Bergeron hearing a twenty-one-gun salute going off in my head, I instead get up and go spit out my gum.

I sit back down.

I think, “Okay, now it’s really time.”

But then I open the blog post that’s been sitting in one of my tabs for days and start reading for 30 seconds before I even lose interest in that.

My eyes itch, my throat feels scratchy, and the meds from Zain’s baggy of antihistamines don’t seem to help much.

I think about how I want to finish writing my April retrospective but that feels like a lot so I write a quick post about how handicapped I feel.

Moments like this remind me that I am not in control. My willpower, my desire to work, my capacity to create, my enjoyment of learning, my discipline — everything that people normally point to as reasons why they’ve earned their success — are things that appear some days and are gone the next. I can’t really take credit for anything “I’ve” done — it’s chance and circumstance all the way down. The only question now then, is, do I fight and lament? Or do I accept things as they are?

I accept and surrender.