I'm finding it really hard to do a 2020 review all in one go, so I'm going to split it up into six posts, one for each major life area:
In the future it might make sense to break some of these up (e.g. Relationships & Community can be split up into three categories: Family; Friends; Romance) or add other ones (e.g. one for travel / my physical environment), but these work for now.
The purpose of this review is to holistically reflect on different parts of my life and capture my experience in the past year. I'll use a separate post for planning / setting goals for 2021.
I'll start with Well-Being & Spirituality because that's the one that matters the most.
I feel content.
In 2019, I wrote about how the energy focused on "becoming" that had driven me for much of my life had dissipated, and how I feel like I'm simply "being". Life still shows up for me in this way; rather than feeling like I'm in the driver's seat trying to get to a particular destination, the car is driving itself and I'm along for the ride.
I avoid using the word "happy" to describe my general state because happiness feels more like a mood than a state of being. I have days where I'm bubbling with energy and super excited about things, but I also have days where I can barely drag myself out of bed. They're both perfectly fine. Experiences come and go, and it doesn't make much sense to make a big deal out of highs and lows — they all occur in the backdrop of everything being perfectly fine. Clouds in the vast, open sky. I'd say that my core outlook on life has stayed pretty much the same as it was in 2019.
My meditation practice was definitely less consistent this past year, and I'd like to introduce more formal practice so I can meditate more often and for longer. Again, it doesn't seem like a problem that my practice has waned since everything has its seasons, but I know that a regular practice of stillness is something I'd like to have more of in my life.
With so much of my attention and time spent on work this past year, I did feel like I spent more time being lost in the dream state than in previous years. What I mean by that is that there's a feeling that I prioritized things that ultimately don't matter that much. I spent a lot of time building products and coding, and not as much connecting with people in deep and meaningful ways. I don't think I can ever wholeheartedly pursue status or wealth at this point in the same way that I'll never be able to eat animal flesh without feeling weird about it given the shifts in perspectives I've had, but it did feel like I was much more "of the world" this past year. It feels like a large part of this is due to the content I was consuming — I spent a lot of time exploring the indie maker community and other business-focused content and it's natural that my mind would slowly absorb the values of that world.
I didn't attend any meditation retreats in 2020 due to the pandemic, and I'm simultaneously excited to go on them when it's possible again while also feeling like it would be totally okay if I never attended a retreat again. I don't know how to explain the holding of these seemingly contradictory sentiments other than everything is perfectly fine, no matter how it turns out.
I know that there is still so much for me to learn and ways for me to grow, but I'm not in a hurry. I'm happy to receive sunlight, take nourishment, and let nature do its thing.